It's now or never

Why do birthdays bring in a sense of melancholy in me?

I will be turning a year older 8 days from now. 31. Although many have already defied the norms, being single at that age is still a big deal in our country. We have this sort of saying that says "Malapit ka ng mawala sa kalendaryo! (if literally translated in English -- You will be out of the calendar very soon!); which implies, if you are still single and unmarried, that you have to hurry up and get hitched before it's too late.

My mom has been asking if I already have someone in my life who I will be getting married to soon. When I told her that I am still very much available, she told me to go online and meet people. She has been telling me stories about relatives and acquaintances who meet people online and are now married. She said that if they were able to find someone, it surely wouldn't be hard for me to do so since I am not bad-looking at all. I know my mom means well. I know she just wants me settled and happy because I deserve so.

I have always thought my being single at this age was caused by me being out of shape, by me being fat. I have often said to myself to lose weight or else I would never find someone who will like me, love me. But deep inside, I know that one can find love regardless of what shape and size they are in. I have met a lot of people who have found someone who loves them just the way they are. I guess blaming my being fat is just my form of defense ... just to convince myself that it is possible for me to find love someday.

But now that I am slowly losing weight, I believe that I may have to prepare myself to face the hard and sad truth. The truth that there must be something in me that just makes me unlovable.