It's now or never

"I'll probably never hold a brush
that paints a masterpiece
Probably never find a pen
that writes a symphony
But if I will love then I will find
That I have touched another life
And that's something
Something worth leaving behind"

--Something worth leaving behind--Lee Ann Womack

... just warming the bench.
autumn14 Originally uploaded by odette776.

... and my Nihongo study materials.

In my desperate (hopefully not futile) attempt to pass the JLPT (which is less than 2 weeks away), I am spending a non-working holiday (勤労感謝の日 - Thanksgiving Day) at Starbucks-Fujisawa (for the reason that I can't seem to make myself study at my own place with DVDs and internet within my reach) alone.

Yes my dear friends ... ALONE (as in 一人で). To those who know me well, they may find that inconceivable. For the sole reason that I am not the type of person who goes out and does things alone. (Of course, not counting the times when I do my grocery shopping and the likes.) In my 28 years of existence, I haven't been to a movie companionless. I could count on one hand the number of times I have eaten a meal outside my home and workplace all alone. (I even haven't tried eating at the office cafeteria all by myself.) Call me a freakazoid or something, but I rather be hungry than dine by my lonesome. I remember this one time when I bought a 1500yen book just to have a 600yen KFC meal. I had to go to a place in Yokohama (a 30-minute train ride from my place) to buy something; haven't eaten the entire morning, my stomach was churning around four in the afternoon. Between the possibility of collapsing on my way home and eating alone, I had no choice but to grab a meal at a nearby KFC. But before doing that, I dropped by a bookstore and bought a book to a accompany me during my meal.

Anyway, I am in my second hour of studying ... just taking a break now, writing something for my blog (really wanted to add "... on a piece of table napkin" so as to make it writer-like; but since I am studying, I have a pad of paper with me). An hour or two more perhaps then I'll head back to my place.

--jotted down @ 11-23-2004, 7:19pm

-----

People watching:

* I think the couple sitting next to me are either in their first or second date. Why? Besides the girl being in her giggly and cutesy self, based on snippets of their conversation, they are telling each other what their likes and dislikes are. (Hey! This is a part of the studying. You know ... for the listening portion of the exam. hehehe :D)

* The guy, who's having an orange juice, across me is kinda cute. He is alone. But what's with the two mobile phones? I guess he needs two to keep him busy.

* The two girls sitting two seats away are a bit loud; makes it harder for me to understand what the couple next to me are saying.

* A girl, also alone, sitting next to the 2-phone guy is reading a book on cross-stitching.

(Quite a number of people in here are by their lonesome.)

--jotted down @ 8:22pm

-----

* The 2-phone guy just took the couch next to me after the couple left. He also has a book entitled Rolex Buyer's Guide to keep him occupied. (He's not only cute, he has money too. :D)

--jotted down @ 8:35pm

-----

You know what ... this is not so bad. I might do this again very soon. Besides not having much choice (gurls, missing you a lot talaga), this could be a big step in my journey to self-confidence. (And who knows ... the next cute guy might approach and strike a conversation with me next time around. (^.^)

--jotted down @ 9:35pm

-----


the two noisy girls ... cute guy's head at the left


girl with the book on cross-stitching


calorie-intake (@_@)

After reading Simmer's comment on one of Kat's post, I suddenly felt the urge to write something about breaking-up.

When you're the receiving end of a break-up, would you prefer hearing a white lie as an excuse or would you rather hear the painful truth?

"I just need time to reassess my life."
"I just realized that I am not ready for a commitment."
"It's not you .. . it's me. I am really confused right now. I need to be alone to think."
"Work has been hell. I could not give you the attention you deserve."

These are just some examples of white lies. Most "breakers" think saying a white lie is the better way in breaking-up with someone. It would be less painful. (Do they really have the other party's feeling in mind? Or they just want to appear less cruel and heartless?)

I believe that a white lie can be more damaging. It makes moving on harder to do. It makes a person think that there is still hope; that there is still a chance ...

... after taking his time and is done with his reassessing.
... when he is ready for a commitment.
... once he is less busy with work.

So, the person keeps on waiting and hoping; only to find out in the end that there is really nothing there to wait for. Thus, a white lie causes more pain in the long run.


A hard truth is painful. It can break one's heart into pieces. It can cause buckets of tears to fall. It can be devastating. But knowing that it is really over, after all the mourning, there's nothing left for the person to do but wipe out the tears, pick up the pieces, learn from the experience and move on. And yes, it does make a person stronger.


(Kat, I'll post a part of the song din ha :)

...all i ask is just a little honesty
though i know that you're not coming back to me
you know i'll do anything to make you stay
but i just have to let you go
if the feeling is gone...


-----

You want to know the lamest excuse I've heard so far?

*cough* "I am really sick and don't have that many years left to live. I couldn't let you be a part of this. It wouldn't be fair to you. So, I must let you go." *cough*

(That is from someone who got married two years later.)

Don't you sometimes wish you can go back in time and correct a few things that happened in your life?

Or maybe wish that some events didn't happen at all?

But then again, such experiences make you grow wiser and stronger emotionally and spiritually.

And wishing them away, would just leave you a dull and boring life to live with.

You do prefer a life less ordinary, right?


(But you know what you can do? If it's possible, try to correct what you have done in the past right now. Try to patch up things. Reconnect. Apologize. It would make you feel better for sure.)

Back when I was still in school, my papa used to constantly reprimand us, his children, for being lazy with our studies. I can still clearly remember his lines,

"You are always watching TV. Have you done your homeworks already? If only I had the comfort and convenience (amenities) you have right now when I was still young, I could be the president of the Philippines now."

Yup, he could have been one. My papa is a smart man with a good heart. His family was not well-off. He is the youngest boy (11th) of 14 children; and with siblings that many, growing up was not that easy for him. For instance, when Lola starts calling them for dinner, one should run to the table as fast as he can; coz dillydallying will leave you with just plain rice to eat. That's just one of the stories my papa has told us of his younger days. He has also told us about how hard it was for him to study. Not only did he go to school on foot and without a notebook/paper in hand (yep, he had to ask from his classmates), he needed to wake-up very early every morning either to fish or farm. But all these didn't stop him from finishing school. Being a smart and hardworking man that he is, he was able to go to a university on a scholarship and was able to get an engineering degree.

My father has provided well for us not just financially but with the emotional and spiritual aspects as well. Though we are not rich, life has been quite easy for us. Our home is filled with lots of love and laughter ... mainly because of this man who has taught us that happiness can be found in simple things as well.

To the one constant man in my life , thanks ...

...for constantly reminding us how much you love us.
...for being a forgiving father.
...for being a generous neighbor to the needy.
...for being our inspiration and spiritual guide.
...for being a good teacher of good Christian values not only to us you kids but to other people as well.
...for being the wonderful man that you are.

Got a new look for my blog. Isn't it pretty nice? I am no expert on html programming. This took many sleepless nights to finish; resulting to quite a number of unflattering pimples on my face and dark circles around my eyes. A not-so-pretty sight indeed.

A new look for a new me? *Pause* ... a new me? Besides this new pesky swelling on my right cheek near my mouth, there's nothing much new with me. Work is still keeping me busy. I am not yet prepared for the upcoming JLPT. I seem to have hit a plateau with my weight loss. (Actually, I am in the verge of gaining what I have lost so far. *waahh* )

And you know what's even more frustrating? It is finding out that after all this time, thoughts of you can still cause an emotional stir within me. These thoughts rarely cross my mind now; but once they do, as much as I hate to admit it, they can still revive the why questions that have kept me awake for countless nights.

... why did you give up? (when what we had just started)
... why was I not good enough for you? (while you are near perfect in my eyes)
... why did it have to end that way? (when things could've been different)

I sound sooo pathetic. Why am I feeling this way again? Is it maybe because of the cold weather that we are having? Or the fact that I feel so alone at the moment? But then again, maybe it's just the hormones speaking.

I really need a change of scenery. As long as I stay here, I will never be able to move on. I need to go to some place where thoughts of you won't haunt me anymore. But who am I kidding? Such a place doesn't exist on earth. For I truly believe that a person can only get over someone completely if he/she has someone new in his/her life. But since I am nowhere near the vicinity of having that someone new, I can only keep my mind occupied so that there will be less, less thoughts of you. And if they do come up, then I guess I just have to deal with them on my own way (stupidly it may be ... just like writing this entry).

For sure, things will be different tomorrow. I will feel okay. I can again honestly reply "I'm good." when asked how I'm doing. I will be fabulous once more. And maybe, a new me will soon follow the new look of this little haven that I own.

Until then ...


-----

I got myself a new commenting system. Too bad old blogger comments can't be imported.

By Drew's request, I have made some updates to my 日本語の勉強 blog.


(Only a month left before the JLPT, yet I still haven't done any serious studying. =( I get to study only during the train rides to/from work. Plus I haven't been attending my classes the past weeks because of my work sked.

Arrgghhh ... paano ako makakapasa nito ... )

Living far from home at an early young age, I am used to not seeing my family all the time. Since I was 12, I get to be with them only during long breaks like Christmas and summer vacation. This set-up is just fine with me; I seldom get homesick.

But every year, as Christmas season draws nearer, I always have this sudden intense longing to see and be with them. The usual once a week call would turn into an every day call just talking nonsense.

And today, this longing has started. I need to feel my papa and mama's embrace. I long for lively conversations with my siblings (we are such a noisy bunch). I want to rain kisses on my nephew's chubby cheeks. I can't wait to go home and be surrounded with the warmth of the people I love.

I am missing my family so much that it hurts.

-----

I am so in love with this boy.


Babyluv's first trick or treat
(as a hunchback ... isn't he cute?)

Here's a very nice read. Got this one from Ricky Lo's column (The Philippine Star).


-----

Life is too short!! Do it now!
Author: Unknown

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven’t thought about it, don’t have it on their schedule, didn’t know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I’ve tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn’t suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched something on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can’t. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday; I had a late breakfast. It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It’s Monday."

She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because people cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We’ll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We’ll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We’ll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for! Our lives is a litany of "I’m going to," "I plan on" and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my "seize the moment" friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes and you’re ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It’s just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you "want to," not something on your "should do" list.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry-go-round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask, "How are you?," do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie on your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We’ll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?

Just call to say, "Hi!"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift...thrown away. Life is not a race.

Take it slower! Hear the music before the song is over.

"A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," – Ecclesiastes 3:4