It's now or never

The Athens 2004 Olympic Games is almost over. USA is leading the medal tally with 102 medals, 35 of them gold; Japan has 16 gold medals; while the Philippines hasn't won a thing.

I wonder what it's like to be a part of such prestigious event. How it would feel parading with other athletes from different countries in the opening ceremony. I watched some of the games on TV (the main reason of my lack of sleep for the past 2 weeks) and was able to witness the thrill and excitement during a competition, the elation a player feels after winning an event and the frustration after losing one. I would really want to experience that state of eupohoria. Thus, I have been thinking of a sport I can participate in the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.

In order for this dream to come true, I should be able to learn a sport which I can master by 2008. A sport which won't require much money for training. It would also be simplier if it's an individual event. I do know how to play a number of sports but unfortunately I am no master of one. Here are the sports I have considered so far:

*Tennis: This is one of my favorite sports. But based on my current skill level, it would be quite impossible to be in the same category with the likes of Henin-Hardenne and Clijsters within the next four years.

*Archery: A sport which I think is a bit easy to learn but would require a lot of money for the equipments.

*Shooting: Another sport which is a easy to learn but holding a gun doesn't sound so appealing to me.

*Synchronised Swimming (Duet): A sport suggested by a friend who is even willing to sponsor the attire I and my co-olympic dreamer will be wearing. (I heard in the news a few days ago that a synchro swimmer is required to eat around 4000 calories a day during training. That's a lot of food!)

*Judo: Suggested by a lot of people. I guess because I have the built for it; but do I also have the strength?


Any other suggestions?


(In my dreams though where anything is possible, gymnastics would definitely be my choice.)

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I was with friends for lunch this afternoon. We got to talk about the Athens 2004 Olympic Games -- the amazing and thrilling events, the heartwarming stories, the controversies, etc.

Funny lines spoken by my co-olympic dreamers:

* Unsa kaha na game ang dili pwede madaog ni superman no?

* Ako sa pa mga archery players, mag Legolas costume jud ko.

* Naa unta olympics para sa mga superheroes.

Yesterday was the day. No, I didn't forget about it. In fact, I had long anticipated for the day to come. As early as last week, I even already had in mind the piece I wanted to post on that day. I finished writing it the night before yesterday and even published the entry early dawn for the sake of wanting to see the look of it when posted. But as soon as I woke up in the morning, I removed it right away because it just didn't feel right. I did not delete it though; I saved it as a draft thinking that I may get the urge to post it later on. I was tired, bored and sleepy. I was wet and cold because of the damn weather. But never did I feel heavyhearted, melodramatic, depressed, emotional, etc. And the need to post it never came.

Does it mean I'm okay now? Or just in denial? Or, maybe I have lost the ability to feel (nahh ... that's impossible for someone like me who is such a feeling person). I also don't think it's indifference coz if it is then I wouldn't have made this entry. Well, whatever it means, one thing I'm sure of is that aside from being the birthday of a dear friend, yesterday was just an ordinary day for me. =)

Happy 28th birthday Cha !!!!
Congratulations !!!



You truly deserve all the happiness in the world. I wish and pray for you good health, protection, joy, love and more blessings on your special day and for the rest of your life.

Luv yah gurl!

What is it with women and shopping? Okay, let me rephrase that ... what is it with me and shopping?

It's so funny how I get irritated with Becky Bloomwood (of the famous Shopaholic series); how she goes gaga over shopping, red tags, bargains, 30%-70% discounts, etc. and spends so much money on stuff which she doesn't need and couldn't afford. Well, maybe because I can see myself in her in some ways. For example, if I see an item on sale I would buy that item (in quantities) because it would be a good Christmas gift even though Christmas is still 5 months away and I do not have a person in mind to give to. I also have this tendency of buying more stuff than what's necessary because "If you purchase Php3000 worth of xxxx, you'll get a nice gift bag!" And I do get excited and lose sleep the night before a big bargain sale day. But compared to Becky, when I do go shopping, I seldom buy for myself. It's more of buying my papa shoes he will be comfortable walking around; looking for a bag my sister can use in school; purchasing a nice blouse for my mama; buying my brother a shirt he will look great in; and finding stuff my friends will love.

Yep, the buzz and thrill of shopping does excite me. My feet do get hurt after a day of walking but the satisfaction I feel after a good buy is worth all the exhaustion. And I may not have as much money in my bank account compared to others. But no amount of money saved can beat the happiness I feel after seeing the looks of my love ones upon opening my gifts to them.

Together with some friends, I went to Gotemba Premium Outlet mall yesterday. Actually, it has been a yearly thing for me since 2002. (The Gotemba Outlet holds a Premium bargain sale every summer.)

Aside from the great shopping, I really had a nice time talking with my friend. Although we have our regular chitchat over the net, it has been quite a while since the last time we had an intimate conversation. Working right beside each other, we used to have them a lot before she left Japan for good last year. (She is here for a business trip this time around.) She's one of my friends with whom I can be myself. For the past 3 years, she's been there to celebrate with me my happiest moments; and comfort me during the heart-breaking times. Even though she is a lot younger than I am, she is one of those people whose opinions I value. If I ask her views/thoughts on something, she can say anything (some may be a bit painful to hear) and I won't get angry with her coz I know that she's only thinking what's best for me. (In the same way, I only want the best for her.)

After yesterday, I realized how much I missed spending time with her ... how much I miss being with my dear friends. Thus making me think ... it's right time for me to go home.

Having been in Japan for more than 3 years, one would think (well, I did) that when it comes to yen denomination, one should be (if not an expert) quite familiar by then. Well, I was proven wrong ...

[Note: One habit I have acquired in the land of the rising sun is giving the exact amount (or an amount that would spare us from receiving 1, 5 or 10 yen as change) when paying for stuff. ]

A couple of weeks back, my friend and I stopped by a grocery store to buy drinks before embarking on a long walk to the moviehouse to watch Shrek (which by the way is one hilarious movie). When I was to pay for my stuff, the cash register displayed ￥370 as the total amount of my purchase. So, I handed over three 100-yen coins and two 10-yen coins and waited for the transaction to finish when I heard,

"あと５０円．．．" (50-yen more...)

In a span of more or less 10 seconds, I was thinking "what's wrong with this guy? why ask me for 50yen more when it fact I should be receiving that amount as change." when I suddenly realized the boo-boo I made. =)

I relayed the incident to my friend and we were reminded of what happened to K (one of our dear friends) at the same grocery store which had us burst into a fit laughter all the way to the moviehouse. Well, K was in a similar situation a year ago, but for her it was,

"あと１０円．．．" (10-yen more...)

Unfortunately, she was not as lucky as me (hehehe ... luv yah gurl!). She also thought "why ask me that when it's you who owes me a change"; but still she checked her purse, found a 1000-yen paper bill but didn't find any 10-yen coin and so she replied,

"ないぃぃ．．．" (dont't have one...)

Thinking that K didn't understand her, the lady cashier again said,

"あと１０円ください．．．" (10-yen more please...)

While mumbling to herself "ang kulit naman nito", she searched her whole bag for a 10-yen coin but found none (later on, she said that she looked for me to borrow 10-yen from but didnt't find me nearby) and so again she shrugged and said,

"ないぃぃ．．．" (as in with her pa-cute look)

The lady cashier, finding herself in an awkward and hopeless situation, kept on muttering,

"どうしよう．．．どうしよう" (What now? What to do now?)

Finally after a minute or two of ないぃぃs and どうしようs, before the lady cashier suggested paying for the 10-yen herself, K finally realized the blooper she did. She then willingly handed over a 1000-yen bill, got her stuff and hurriedly left the counter.

Lessons learned:
1) Always have a 10-yen on hand.
2) Review your math before doing some shopping. (^.^)v

"I have so much love to give ... but no one to give it to, to share it with." I have said that a number of times to my friends. I bet you're thinking right now -- give it to your family, friends, the poor, the homeless, etc. But I am referring to a different kind of love; a love different from the one I have for Him; a love different from the one I have for my family and friends. It's the kind meant to be shared between two individuals who are not blood related and who care for each other more than friends do.

A few people close to me said that whoever I end up with would be one lucky guy. He will surely be well taken-cared of and be loved abundantly. But I wonder if they are right coz experience has taught me that too much love is not healthy. It can be overwhelming for some and may scare them away.

So, how much is too much? Is it too much already if you cry because you miss him badly and long to be with him after not seeing him for days? Is it too much already if you give him gifts for no special occasion? Is it too much already if you offer to cook for him coz he hasn't been eating well for days? Is this kind of love so bad that he chooses to live a life away from you?

Again, I say, "I have so much love to give ... but no one to give it to, to share it with." Hopefully someday, someone will answer back, "Hey, I have this much love too ... wanna trade?"

I haven't been sleeping well the past few days. I am back to my normal habit of sleeping for 4 hours maximum a day. And now, it has slowly taken its toll. Ngarag ang beauty ko ngayon. I get tired easily and it's really hard to concentrate at work. (This is bad! Good thing I'm not that busy.) Also, I've been having more dizzy spells. When I get up too fast from either lying or sitting position, I get light-headed and see black spots in my vision for a while. I am not sure though if this is due to sleep deprivation.

I am fully aware of the long term effects of lack of sleep -- mood swings, memory loss, depression, anxiety and even early death. And yet, knowing these things is not helping me get enough sleep. I have done some reading and found out a number of ways which can help me hit the sack early like drinking warm milk (tried this, it didn't work), exericse (too lazy to do it every night), drink beer (tried this also but I really don't want to have a bigger belly), and having sex (not an option as of the moment). Any other suggestions? Or should I start to consider getting a graveyard shift job?

(By the way, if I'm a bit cranky and bitchy, please excuse my behavior ... it's probably due to lack of sleep.)

Nowadays, I look at myself differently. And slowly, I am learning to love what I am seeing. But still, there are days when insecurity creeps in and pulls me down. And during those times, the thought that some people know my real worth and that Someone up there loves me unconditionally just lift up my spirit and keep me going.

I just removed an entry I created last weekend (actually, it's not the first time I've done that). Why? Well, I guess it was just too personal for others to know. I am a transparent and vocal person. I tend to say or write whatever is inside my heart and mind. (It's my blog anyway!) But I also believe that there are things you must keep for yourself and maybe share it with a selected few only.

(To the gurls, thanks for listening! I miss you all na ...)

(I wanted to make an entry in 日本語 but the part of my brain with the 日本語 stuff is not working properly right now . So instead of racking my brains trying to come up with something new, here is a short piece I wrote months ago for a 日本語 class assignment.)

ビリヤード　．．．初めてビリヤードをしたのは彼と一緒でした。彼がビリヤードのやり方とルールを教えたくれました。難しくてなかなか上手になれませんでした。くやしいと思ったが彼はビリヤードが好きで楽しんでいたから見ているだけで満足でした。

その時からもう一年過ぎました。彼と私の間にうれしい事や悲しい事などいろいろがあって、最近彼とほとんど会っていません。ビリヤードを何度も何度もしましたが彼と二度ともうできないのがとても残念です。ビリヤードは私のほうがちょと上手になったと思います。彼にそれを見て貰いたいです。トーナメントで勝った事を伝えたいです。どうしても彼ともう一度ビリヤードをしたいとものだがするわけにはいきません！

I'm wearing a skirt today. I made a promise to my friend that I'd wear one before she leaves. So here I am feeling kinda pretty but a bit uneasy.:D If I remember it correctly, it's the first time for me to wear this type of clothing here in the office in Japan. Good thing it's 夏休み (summer break); so there are only a few of us in the office today. (^_^)

Some of them you may already know ... some are embarrassing ... and a few you may find a bit shocking.

1. i love to read ... i have a small collection of books
2. ...and dvds too (i can make a deposit on a 2nd hand car with the amount i spent on acquiring them)
3. i go gaga over romantic movies
4. my favorite romantic comedy film is bridget jones diary (watched it more than 5 times already ... planning to watch it again one of these days)
5. shawshank redemption is also one of my fave movies
6. i'm an SATC fanatic (i have their dvds and books)
7. i used to dream of becoming a beauty titlist (Miss Universe pa tlga!)
8. but my first childhood dream was to become a nun
9. i'm an impulsive buyer
10. i bought a notebook, a videocam, a watch, and other stuff out of the blue (as in spur of the moment ... walang ka plano2x)
11. back in grade school, i used to look like sheryl c. (few people said so)
12. received a few treats from the store manangs when i allowed them to call me by her name
13. didn't like it though coz i liked jennifer s. during those times (hehehe ... jologs!)
14. since the age of 12, i've been living away from my family
15. i get to go home only during long breaks
16. i used to think i was really smart
17. but that changed during high school (found out i was just an average student)
18. i have insomnia (recently been able to sleep around 1AM; a few weeks back, earliest was 3AM)
19. i have had a hard time sleeping early since high school (with tons of homeworks, exams, reports ... pano ka makakatulog n'yan!)
20. during the eat-all-you-can pizza craze, my all-time-high was 18 slices :D
21. i love watching japanese drama
22. but i can only understand around 70% of the story
23. my fave japanese actor is kimura takuya of SMAP
24. i've been to one of their concerts (SMAP)
25. i think i own too many shoes
26. i peed my pants during a plant tour when i was still in grade 5 (yaiiksss .. kahiya (-_-) hehehe)
27. i know how to play pusoy & pusoy dos (i think medyo magaling din ako) :D
28. i was able to interview Ogie Alcasid for our music project (1st yr high school)
29. i love kids
30. i plan to have one even if i don't get married
31. i so love my family (will give them anything basta kaya ko lang)
32. i can be a martyr sometimes
33. i'm moody and sensitive
34. my fave drink is tequila
35. i don't like beer
36. i have a high tolerance level for alcohol (i've never experienced throwing up)
37. i am a transparent person ... not good at hiding my true feelings
38. when i was in grade 6, i won first prize at an anecdote writing contest in filipino
39. i get attracted to a guy who can make me laugh
40. with a good singing voice
41. who knows how to play a guitar (pogi points tlga!)
42. ... and he need not be super-duper handsome
43. i want to go to europe someday
44. i dream of being able to wear a bikini on the beach
45. i am the eldest of four children
46. i like riding roller coasters
47. i talk a lot (when i'm with friends)
48. but public speaking makes me nervous
49. i know how to play various sports (tennis, bowling, volleyball, swimming, billiards, basketball, soccer, skiing, etc.) ... but it does not necessarily mean i'm good at them
50. i was part of our school's patintero team for palarong pambansa (division level) :D
51. i had my first plane ride when i was 10 years old
52. together with my science teacher and two of my classmates, we went to cotabato city to represent our city in a science fair (investigatory project contest - regional level)
53. our project was something about making chips (snack food) from kuhol (golden snails) ... we won 2nd place :)
54. i want to change my spending habits (no more outrageous buying of stuff)
55. 7 out of 10 ... my top gets soiled after a meal
56. i love receiving snail mails
57. i can be very loud and irritating
58. one of my greatest fears is not being able to bear a child
59. i am not good at making decisions
60. i need to first ask a number of people's opinion before i can make one
61. i'm not a very good cook
62. but i think i'm good at house-cleaning
63. broccoli is my fave vegetable
64. i also think i'm good at picking gifts for my love ones
65. i can hardly carry a tune but i still sing to my heart's content :D
66. i have tried smoking a stick or two
67. but i haven't tried any drugs
68. i am a last-minute kind of person
69. i work more effectively when under pressure
70. "travel light" is not part of my vocabulary
71. i love to eat
72. i am trying to control my food intake though
73. i'm insecure with the way i look
74. i've been trying to lose weight
75. i've lost 40lbs already
76. and i'm hoping to lose another 30-40lbs
77. i super-duper love LULUK my darling nephew
78. i want to be a better person
79. i pray everyday
80. i recently started reading the bible everyday (used to read before pa pero ndi araw2x)
81. i had my first crush when i was in kindergarten 1
82. he was my dance partner in our christmas presentaion
83. first heartbreak was during my first year in HS (found out that my 4th year crush was courting a 3rd-year girl)
84. been in two relationships
85. first one with my college teacher
86. it lasted for two and a half years
87. second one lasted a little over a month only
88. but took me forever to get over it
89. i can be very sungit
90. i am generous to my friends
91. i cry easily ... yep, a certified drama queen
92. i applied for US tourist visa 2 years ago and got denied
93. so, i spent a portion of the money i saved shopping online (VS & Amazon)
94. another portion, i treated my family to a vacation in cebu
95. i wish to have my own house
96. i would like to have a dog ... a labrador if possible
97. i hope i'll pass the japanese language proficiency exam this december
98. i want to have my own family
99. but i'm slowly accepting the possibility of single-blessedness
100. and maybe work for a UN agency or other charities
101. i trust and believe in HIM

I sooo love the movie Bridget Jones' Diary. I just finished watching the movie again. And for the nth time, I cried at the ending.

It's really nice to think that somewhere out there someone will love me just the way I am.

(I can't wait for the sequel! Already read the book and I loved it.)

I talked with my mother on the phone this afternoon. Aside from money and family matters, we also talked about the boys in my life (as if marami sila ... hehehe).

Mama: Musta naman si A?

Me : I haven't heard from him na. I didn't reply to his last mail naman.

Mama: Ngano wala man? S'ya na lng 'dette. He seems nice. The flowers he sent lasted long. I just had to throw it away the other week coz it started to rot na. (She placed the flowers inside our ref.)

Me : Ma, he has a girlfriend man.

Mama: Sige lang gud, girlfriend pa lang bitaw. He likes you man kaha?

Me : Maa...


(Ang kulit noh ... hehehe.) :D

It's her birthday today.

Though she's not yet 28, she's already beautiful and got one of the great guys on earth na! :D

Happy 26th birthday Rishhhh !!!!

Wowwee! The books I ordered from Amazon just arrived! Here are the books which are now part of my overflowing bookshelf:

* Angels by Marian Keyes (yhey! another light and funny read by one of my fave authors)

* The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (highly recommended by Dahon)

* Stardust by Neil Gaiman (my first Gaiman book!)

* The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks (another book added to my Sparks collection)

* shopgirl by Steve Martin (heard good reviews of this one)

* To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (finally!)


Now ... which one to read first?

My mother says the funniest things every time I call home and we get to talk about boys, relationships, marriage, and the likes. A sample conversation would be something like this:


Mama: So, how's your lovelife?

Me : Same as before ... single and available gihapon.

Mama: You remember Joanne, our neighbor? Well, she met an American on the internet. They guy already visited her. Gwapo og bata pa kuno. And I heard they are planning to get married sometime next year.

Me : Really? That's nice.

Mama: Why don't you try that sort of thing? Chat ba tawag niana? Naa man mo internet dira dba?

Me : Maa...

Mama: Bitaw 'dette, you might meet someone nice. E, you're much prettier than her pa man gani. Ma-tisoy pa imong mga anak!

Me : Mamaa...


I know my mother just wants me to be happy. She only wants what's good for me. At the moment, she thinks that having a boyfriend can make me happier. And in my current situation, where else can I meet someone if not over the net?

(She is really insisting for me to try it especially now that my cousin just recently married a guy she met online.)

I was hit by a feeling of sadness when it suddenly occurred to me that my friend will be leaving very soon. In the months that we've known each other, I can say that we've become pretty close (I think ha :D). She's one of the people I've known who's easy to talk to. She doesn't only have a good listening ear but also gives sound and sensible advices if called for.

I always look forward to our morning train ride going to the office. It's one of the times we get to have our talks; from laugh-out-loud matters to can't-stop-myself-from-crying moments. A usual scenario would be me arriving (catching my breath from a 100-meter dash) and her already sitting down with a book in hand. From the moment I sit down, it would be non-stop talking till it's time for us to part ways. There are also times when I just sit beside her, get my own book and start reading. However, once one of us starts talking, books will be forgotten and will remain unread until the next train ride. :D

With the many talks we have shared and the times we've spent together, she has taught me a lot of things; not only through her words but through her actions as well. From her, I have learned how to control my temper. I have also learned to appreciate the things happening in my life (even the small and not so good ones ... she says, you'll learn something from all of these). She also taught me to think first before uttering something; if it won't bring good to anyone better not say anything at all. And most important of all, through her, I have realized that it's better not hold grudges coz nothing good comes from them.

Indeed, I can truly say that she is one of the few people I know who has a good heart. And I feel so blessed to have known her and to have her as a friend. I can't remember if I have already told her this -- I do believe that I have become a better person because of her ... my angel ... my friend.

I love you gurl.

Fireworks (花火) displays and events are held in various places in Japan every summer. Just a while ago, one was held in our neighborhood. I was able to watch it together with two of my officemates. We left the office a bit early, changed our clothes and then went to the beach where the one-hour show was held. There were already a lot of people when we got there; good thing we were still able to find a nice spot. (According to my friend, it was actually the best spot there coz just right beside where I was sitting were two people making fireworks of their own. :D ) The night sky was lit beautifully with different kinds of fireworks (they varied in size, shape and color). Here are some pictures I took (sorry, the pics don't do justice to how pretty the display of fireworks really was) :

I just finished watching あいのり on TV. It's a Japanese reality TV program where a group of people (usually 4 guys & 3 gals) ride on a pink wagon and travel around the world in the hope of finding true love and happiness. I have been watching the show for quite some time now. I find it entertaining to watch. Aside from being able to see various places in the world -- beautiful sights, unusual food, unique customs, etc., you get to witness a love story evolve -- boy meets girl who just joined the group; boy finds girl cute and interesting and makes a move to get to know her better; and if boy feels confident enough, he expresses his love and proposes to her. If he is lucky to go for a girl who likes him in return, they kiss and go back to Japan together (which for some, leads to marriage). (By the way, a girl can also make the first move, express her feelings and propose to the guy.) However, not everyone ends up with a happy ending ... some hearts do get shattered and leave the wagon alone.

After watching the show, I can't help but think -- in this competitive world of ours, should one be aggressive in finding love?

I remember what my Nihonggo teacher said during our recent phone conversation. "Dess-san, if you just sit and wait for someone to come along, you might find yourself still single at the age of 40." For someone like me who wants to have my own family that thought seems a little scary. It makes me wanna shout and cry "NOOOO! THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! (I hope...)". With that in mind, should I start my own あいのり adventure? Should I go out and get a love life? If that question was asked a few weeks back, a YES would definitely be heard from me. But at this point in my life, my answer would be a simple "No, thank you." I do believe He has His reasons why I haven't found the right guy ... why I'm still single until now. I guess He's not yet finished preparing me for a married life. And if it takes a while for me to get ready, then I will wait. In His perfect time, my special someone will come along. I'll just have to trust Him.

----------------
あいのり
-- 相乗り; ainori
-- 乗り物に一緒に乗ること
-- sharing a ride (together)